Artificial rocks!

Artificial rocks, fake rocks, faux rocks. That’s normally what they are called. I have googled bogus boulders but didn’t find anything listed. I won’t bother searching for pretend pebbles, counterfeit cobbles or simulated stone. I am sure there must be other alliterations, but I’d only be using them to pad out this article anyway!

What am I on about? Well I mean hollow GRP ( fibre glass ) shapes that are made to look exactly like a piece of rock. These can be up to 6ft tall. When I say exactly, I really mean it as the GRP shapes or artificial rocks are produced in a mould which is taken from a real rock.

These are made the same way as a GRP plant container. Using silicon rubber or latex as a mould the rock is created with coloured resin and fibreglass matting. See details on how this is done in my earlier post: Silicone moulds for GRP plant containers.

All of the crevices and details of the original rock are faithfully reproduced and once the artificial rock is in position and has a bit of dust and a few old dried out leaves on it, then the boulder is indistinguishable from the real thing. Until you kick it.

You may wonder why there is a need for artificial rocks. Well, the most important use for them is showing off in front of young ladies on the beach. Some planning is involved including working out where your potential victim, sorry, date usually sits on the beach. Let’s face it, humans are creatures of habit and those ladies will usually sit in the same spot.

You will have already studied the types of rock in the area and will have had a boulder produced to match the indigenous strata. Whatever that means. An early visit to the beach is essential to place the artificial rock in position. If you are not planning in waiting by the rock in order to prevent its discovery then it is an excellent idea to place a dog turd on top of the rock and at least one other very nearby to deter potential rock sitters. These are available on all good street corners or you can make one out of wetted, crumpled cardboard toilet roll inserts. They are also available in plastic versions in good joke shops.

When your potential date has been on the beach for some time, approach her and bid her a polite good morning. Ensure that an accomplice has removed the turds to avoid later Yuck! issues. Make sure your potential date watches you while you stroll over to the rock, struggle a little, and then lift it clean above your head and walk off. Keep walking until you are out of site before putting the rock down. AVOID carrying the rock towards the sea as it will float if you drop it in the water. Of course this may not guarantee you a date but it will certainly leave a lasting impression of sorts!

There is another use for artificial rocks: landscaping. You can use real rocks if you can find one the right shape and you have truck access to where the rock is going to be placed. If access is difficult or there are load restrictions in the area that the rock will be placed then artificial is the way to go. Artificial rocks would be particularly suitable for roof gardens and the rocks can be adapted to include a water outlet for use in a trickle water feature.

You can see an avalanche load of rocks at http://www.artificialrocks.co.uk/.